Keep the baby alive

If you have a baby, you don't need to entertain it. Just keep the thing alive and enjoy yourself. It won't remember anyway.

Snow Speed Bump

Don't you just love it when you spend hours clearing the snow from your driveway, only to have the Plow Truck come by and leave that big huge SPEED BUMP at the end of it.

Grandpa's Job

Grandpa's job is to help Kids get into mischief that they haven't even thought of yet.

Alphabet Song

Why does the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try to sing those previous songs?

"I'm out here to enjoy nature -- don't talk to me about the environment!" ~Denny Crane

Yoda Quote

Do. Or do not. There is no try. – Yoda

Election Day

Election day is finally upon us. Thankfully, it will soon be over and we can get back to our long, slow decline as a nation.

Cool Bands

I may be old but I got to see all the cool bands.

$300 Wallet

Don't buy that $300 wallet to have nothing in it. Buy the $10 one and have $290 to put in it. Don't go broke trying to look rich.

1st SELFIE

First Selfie

Blue Lives Matter

I don't care who you are or what color you are. If you commit a crime, you are a criminal and should be dealt with accordingly!

Identify

Smart Car Fart

Stupid Facebook

Facebook is primarily an outlet for people to try and out stupid each other!

Shirt off my back

I gave you the shirt off my back. Now you want my pants!

Bounce

Do you think it will? I highly doubt it.

Defective Ticket

Can someone please tell me where I can return a defective ticket?

Voice Valve

I have been informed by experts in the field that I may have a problem with my Speech Regulation Valve.

Home Movies

Home Movies to people that are not in them are just documentaries.

Cat Carrier

Ball Canning Sale

VIP card

So just how big of a LOSER do you need to be to get one of those VIP casino players cards?

Net Nanny

When did Victoria Secret change its website name to Net Nanny?

Birthday, wish

It's very sad that in this day of unlimited technology, you can't even have a birthday unless the "all powerful" facebook allows it and reminds everyone that today is your special day.

Penny Bet?

How can a casino call it a penny slot machine when it costs a minimum of 30 cents to play?

Chick's with Guns

Big Government

A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take away everything you have.

Steal our ambitions and dreams

Government's first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives or steal their ambitions or dreams.

R&R

Why is it that people that always stop for a yield sign on any street in the city don't even slow down when they come across one at a railroad crossing.

Travel Agent

Unicorn

Knock Knock Knock

We the people

I think it goes: "We The People, NOT, We The Government."